Golf Tip
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What to Look for in the Person You Marry
   
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Golf is stimulates body and mind. The mind works out the instructions, and the muscles in the body react to do them, and in effect make this sport an ideal form of exercise for masses. To .....
Golf is stimulates body and mind. The mind works out the instructions, and the muscles in the body react to do them, and in effect make this sport an ideal form of exercise for masses. To .....
Keely is 30 and has been married for about 6 months. Last time
we talked, she was expressing dissatisfaction with the man shed
married. They had disagreements over political issues that were
influencing where they shopped, where he worked, and what TV
shows they watched. She was wondering if she shouldve gotten
married at all.
Why did you marry him? I asked her, and there was a long
silence. Finally, Because I was in love with him? she replied,
and it came out as a question. I guess I never thought about
that, she added.
Your Best Link To The Links--A Brief History Of Golf
Golf, as we know it today, originated from a game played on the
eastern coast of Scotland during the 15th century. Players .....
Because I coach people, I hear the many different reasons whyGolf, as we know it today, originated from a game played on the
eastern coast of Scotland during the 15th century. Players .....
people marry the people they do, but it often comes out in terms
of unmet expectations. When we arent clear about what we want
out of marriage, regardless of the person involved, and dont
check things our beforehand, it can lead to heartbreak.
What we expect from marriage is deeply ingrained is us, from our
families of origin, and from our culture. You may come from a
background that assumes the man will be the provider, and the
woman will take care of the house, and both spouses will take an
active part in child-rearing -- not just wiping noses, but
training, values and character development. If you marry someone
whose expectations are the same, things will go fairly smoothly.
But what if youre a man with the above expectations, who
marries a woman who comes from a family where the women all had
active and successful careers, and also took major
responsibility for the upbringing of the children, wanting only
for the man to provide his portion of their upkeep, but to stay
out of the training?
There are many expectations we have about marriage, and we might
as well call them emotional needs, because if they arent met we
arent going to be very happy. It can destroy the love we
initially had for the person. The better you can define these
assumed needs to yourself, and to the person youre considering
marrying, the better the chances of finding someone who feels
the same way.
Are You Thinking About What You're Thinking About
Do you realize that your belief system is ultimately what will determine whether you live a successful life or not'
Since your thoughts are what your belief system is composed of, you .....
Vocabulary is very important here. I hear many men, forDo you realize that your belief system is ultimately what will determine whether you live a successful life or not'
Since your thoughts are what your belief system is composed of, you .....
instance, saying they want companionship. Fred said that in
his second wife he wanted companionship, and he fell in love
with Lisa. Lisa wanted companionship too. The trouble arose when
it turned out companionship meant to Lisa someone to talk to,
share ideas, feelings and thoughts with, and relate closely
intellectually and emotionally, with lots of open conversation,
and to Fred, it meant recreational companionship. He wanted
someone to sail, bike ride and play tennis with him, and without
a lot of talking. Lisa and Fred both wanted someone they could
hang out with, but the nature of that hanging out was very
different, and, ultimately unbridgeable.
In the meantime, there can be those stalemate fights that turn
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To read this .....
into imbroglios, where the man yells at the woman, But I wantGrand Dame of the Grand Dunes, Myrtle Beach Marriott
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To read this .....
companionship (play golf with me) and the woman yells back,
But Im giving you companionship. (I love to talk to you) Or
she says, I wanted you to help raise the children (teach them)
and he replies, Well I earn all the money, dont I?
Some of things we expect from a marriage include: recreational
companionship, intellectual companionship, physical affection,
verbal affection, esteem, admiration, respect, financial
support, domestic support, intense emotional relating (which is
also called companionship), sexual fulfillment, working toward
idealistic goals (such as political activism), fidelity, one who
prefers to lead or to be led, good looks, athletic ability, a
genetic parent for your children, and so forth. Define as well
how you want these manifested. Admiration can be silent or
vocalized. Affection can be physical or verbal.
As you read these, if you ASSUME that one or more of them is
what everyone wants, you particularly need to pay attention,
because in actuality its amazing what people do want and expect
that other people dont.
Its important to know what you want, and then to observe the
person youre considering marrying. Tom, for instance, primarily
wanted a homemaker and recreational playmate from a wife.
Middle-aged, he fell in love with a woman in her mid-30s who had
never been married. This should have been a red-flag that
domestic life probably wasnt what she was interested in. Once
married, she became ardently interested in a career, since he
provided her the opportunity to get further education, and as
she turned her focus there, all hopes of recreational
companionship for Tom vanished. She, on the other hand, had
expected emotionally oriented conversation from him (openness),
and joint accelerating career and financial goals. To him, she
never cooked or cleaned house. To her, he just wanted to play.
It is devastating when we love someone and find out too late
they arent interested in the same things. It is hard to trade
off meeting needs that really arent felt and enjoyed, and
accommodation isnt always possible, i.e., you either are
faithful or you arent, you either want kids or you dont. If
you want financial support from a man, its best to find one who
really loves to make money. If you want physical affection from
a woman, its best to find one who cant keep her hands off you.
These things cant be faked, but, sometimes, when falling in
love, we fool ourselves and therefore fool the other person.
Issues can become clouded during courtship, especially when
there is sex too soon. Physical intimacy causes those wonderful
chemicals that cloud our thinking, and start the bonding
process. We can start to need and want a person who ultimately
may not be able to meet our marital needs.
Take some time to envision carefully what you want marriage to
look like. Observe the person you have in mind in different
situations. For instance, Tom might have noticed, if he hadnt
been so in love, that his partner didnt know how to cook and
was never at home. She, on the other hand, might have noticed
most of his time and enthusiasm went into his recreation, and
that he was content with his job and financial situation the way
they were.
Nothing is insurmountable, but you increase your chances by
being mindful at the outset. Couples survive the infertility of
one when they both wanted children, and a spouse can learn to
verbalize, or make physical, the affection they feel, if they
want to please, but the couch potato and amateur athlete who
marry will cant accommodate, and the career-driven women wont
be happy baking bread and being available for tennis games.
About the author:
Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc .
Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional
intelligence for your personal and professional success.
Training and certifying EQ coaches. Email for information on
this affordable, fast, effective, no-residency program.
Mailto:sdunn@susandunn for free ezine.